Monthly Archives: February 2014

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Do you feel that you are worth and deserving?

So many of my clients and other people I speak to have a real problem with feeling worthy and deserving. Most of the time it is those people who do not know how to receive and tend to overgive. It is about major caretakers that feel it is their job to be responsible for most things in their lives. Many times it is those people who were raised by strong parents who had extreme exectations of them, or parents who never gave them the personal attention that they needed. They never received hugs or kisses or even heard the words, “I love you.”
My experience has been with clients who tend to overdo with pleasing others. They hope that they will get the approval or love that they did not receive from their parents. They believe they can change the script and finally get the love they need. After awhile they begin to slowly resent that they are not receiving the love or caring that they need or want.
I tell them “You can never please anyone enough!” In fact, once you are the only one to give, your mate, your friends, your business associates do not believe you need anything. Overgiving eventually becomes painful and can cause low self-esteem. Nothing is wrong is healthy giving, and you tend to get back what you deserve.
I work very hard to help my clients to understand that one cannot feel worthy or deserving if they do not receive the love they need.Strong people, who are caretakers, tend to believe they need to save someone who has problems that they can fix. We cannot save someone enough. Those people tend to take advantage of those who want to save them. In fact, the relationship can fall apart because in a healthy relationship there needs to be giving and receiving.
I have been amazed by learning that many therapists have this problem and need to work hard to receive. They are supposed to help others and they also need to work on themselves. I struggle to understand how they can truly help others if they do not live within their own truths.
I teach living your truth to my clients and I believe I could not be a good example if I didn’t live my truth. Once an individual lives his or her truth they can feel good about themselves. Once individuals live a lie, whether they are afraid to tell the truth, or do not want to start a fight, or cause chaos, they cannot feel good about themselves.
Some of my clients tell me that they don’t lie,they just omit. I respond with “omission is a lie.” Finally if you want to live a healthy life, whether it is in a personal relationship, or a marriage, or a business situation, you cannot lie. Remember, it’s usually because you do not believe in yourself!  Feeling worthy and deserving can be your choice if you learn to receive and ask for what you want!
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Love Yourself From Within

You might be asking yourself, “What does that mean?” Let me clarify!  I know that you have heard about the topic of “Self Love.” It seems like a simple topic, but it isn’t. I can say to you, love yourself for who you are, and what you want out of life. Learn to please yourself, approve of yourself, and say “No” when you want to. That seems easy, but you know it’s not.”

Most women have the pleasing syndrome. They want to be loved and they think that this is the way they can receive love. They must remember, you can never please anyone enough! From the time I was a little girl I would hear my father say, “Baby, you cannot allow anyone to abuse you. You will never love yourself if you do.” Since my father was my best friend, I listened to his advice all the time. We all know that we have tolerated abuse or nasty behavior from time to time. In fact, we know that it can happen often. Our self-love and self-esteem can diminish when we believe that we are afraid to stand up for ourselves. Learning self-love is to understand that we do not deserve abuse. Learning to love ourselves is to believe in ourselves. My philosophy is “What you think you become; what you believe you are.” If you live with a negative attitude, self-love will never come to you. If you live with a positive attitude, you will find that you will have the ability to build the courage to love yourself. Does loving yourself take courage? Of course it does. However, if fear is always there, courage disappears.

I tell my clients to get up in the morning, look in the bathroom mirror when they are brushing their teeth or combing their hair and say, “________I love you! At first they feel embarrassed, but after a while it becomes a habit and a powerful incentive to deal with their day.

An unhealthy way of destroying self-love is to be self-critical, never forgiving your mistakes and creating mistakes, even when they’re not there. If your mind spins with a lack of love, you need to begin to affirm how you will correct that thinking. I tell my clients to write three lists when they come in for their first session. A woman came in the other day and she wrote, “I’m Fat!” My hair is ugly!” I responded with, “What size dress do you wear?” She said, “Size four.” I continued with, “Saying your fat is a lie!” Saying your hair is ugly is a lie!” Your hair is soft and curly.” She looked at me and said, “I guess I always do that to myself.” I said, “How will you ever have self-love and be happy about who you are?” She looked down and said, “Can you help me?” I answered with, “If you want to help yourself.” “I will”, she said.

If most human beings live with anger and hate all of their lives, they will never achieve “self-love.” They will blame others for their own self-limitations. A true tool for removing anger and hate is self-compassion. Learn to nurture yourself when you are unhappy. Be kind to yourself when you make a mistake. Compliment yourself when you do a good job. Pat yourself on the back for the smallest accomplishments! That’s the way you can achieve self-love. If you become your own best friend, no-one can tear you down or make you feel less than you are. People who do not love themselves cannot love anyone else. People who do not love themselves destroy their potential and productivity. I tell my clients, “Get Out Of Your Own Way!” They laugh, and say, “I’ll Try.” I respond with “You Will.”

Every part of your love comes from within, and you also need to know that buying a pretty dress or a great shirt will not enhance your love within. Getting a great haircut will not enhance your love within. Knowing that you can trust yourself to work and go the distance when you need to change your behavior, is self-love. Some of our lack of self-love can be related to how we are raised by our parents. We may not have received the attention we needed from our parents. Nothing is ever too late, in order to change your behavior. We cannot blame our parents. They were not always aware of who they were raising. I have a client who says, “I hate my mother.” She never gave me love.” I responded with, “How long can you hate your mother? We cannot blame our parents that do not understand how to love their children. My father was strong, and my mother was so frightened. Of course I related to him because I admired his courage. Unfortunately, I did not have a strong relationship with my mother, and I forgive her.

When you do not have compassion for yourself or do not believe that you deserve the best, catch yourself! Remember, no matter how many friends you have, you are your own best friend! It is not selfish, it is loving!